I won’t lie, I have been putting this off for some time now. I was so excited when Chasity first approached me asking if I would consider contributing to “A Safe Place to Share”. Every time I would sit down I struggled to find the right frame of mind to pin my truth. How do you put something so delicate and personal into words? Could I do it justice? Could I convey the magnificence and splendor that adoption is all the while sharing how dark, difficult, and eye opening this journey can be? My flesh is not always strong enough to bare the burden, darkness and shame often overcome, the battle that waged in my heart often was lost. This unexpected yoke was so very heavy. I as so many adoptive parents never knew the darkness that was buried within me. How such a beautiful act could bring out the worst in me, expose me. This darkness I share is my inability to meet my own expectations. This darkness is the disappointment of not loving my son the way he so deserved to be loved. This darkness is resentment, anger, pride, and just pure lack. But praise God this darkness is beginning to break and light has started to shine through in my heart, body, soul and mind. God is able, God is faithful and God is always good.
My husband and I adopted the most beautiful two year old boy this past fall and welcomed him into our family forever. I cannot put into words the joy and excitement that over flowed within my heart that hot November day as we heard the words “Legal Guardianship”. He was ours FINALLY and it was time to start our lives as a family of three. Our journey started long before in the winter of 2009, when God called us to adopt a child from Africa. The excitement and anticipation merged into a long road with multiple hardships along the way. Our anticipated twelve month adoption quickly became a two year process. During the wait and constant ups and downs God molded my husband and I into better human beings. Better servants. Better followers. Looking back I am so thankful for that time! I wouldn’t trade our wait for what God taught us in the waiting. Often times I wondered where God was leading us. The road seemed to grow longer and longer. Often times I thought we may never get our little boy home. I remember feeling a deep love in my heart for M from the second I laid eyes on his sweet little face. Albeit in our referral packet. This was my son! My baby boy. My long awaited child. I would read stories of mothers who came home sharing stories of a a stranger living in their home. I often thought how could anyone feel that way toward their child. Each one so beautiful and so in need of love, how could you not feel instantly connected to them? Two years later I found myself fighting those same feelings. How could this be me? How could I have these feelings after longing for our baby boy for two years? How? I soon realize in retrospect, I had false expectations of what it would be like to bring him home to be forever ours. Books, stories, blogs didn’t do it justice. To be honest we all know what it might be like but never truly think it will be like that for us. It never really sinks in until it’s your story!
I was able to hold our sweet boy in my arms a whole year before God saw fit to bring him to America. We had the opportunity to go on a mission trip in December of 2010 spending two weeks in-country. Three days of the trip we were able to spend with M at the babies home. Our first meeting was a fairy tale and those three days I felt so in love with him, couldn't wait to bring him home! Almost a whole year later we were back in Uganda and the anticipation was building but this time it was very different. The bond I thought I had built was no longer there. We were in-country for six weeks before we boarded a plane back home. It was a very fun but challenging six weeks as we were all doing our best to simply “adjust”. I was lucky enough to have my husband with me for the entirety of the trip and this further sheltered me from what I was about to face as we returned home. Just me, my son, and my shortcomings!
We landed on November 23. The next week was a whirlwind with the holidays and family in town. Our first few weeks home I honestly don’t remember a great deal. It is still quite foggy. Trying to get accustomed to being a first time stay at home mom to a two year old and acclimating to being back on U.S. soil. M was the perfect child those first four weeks home. I should have known then that no two year old is that well behaved. HA! Month two was when my world started falling down around me. Justin was back to work and I was left alone with this stranger. That phrase I never imagined leaving my mouth. This stranger who took over every waking minute of my life. A typical two year old, add abandonment and trust issues, throw in food and language problems, I was drowning. Overwhelmed. I even questioned if I was the right one for the job. I took each day as it came but the truth was I wan’t enough. I felt like such a bad mom not feeling like M was my own child. Finding myself getting annoyed that he was always throwing tantrums every hour and I couldn't figure out what was wrong and why he was acting so ungrateful for the life we were trying to build for him. I didn’t even express to my husband what I was going through because I felt so ashamed. So lost. One day I had an all-out break down and called him in tears. It was too hard! I couldn’t do it any more! I had enough and wanted out! I waved my white flag... I no longer could handle how awful I was feeling towards M and being a mom, I hated it, maybe I was never meant to be a mom. I just wanted him to go away and let my life go back to “normal”. I felt too weak to deal with all the darkness that was in my heart. All I was trying to do was be a good mom to a child that wasn’t mine, hard to say but that is the honest truth. I couldn't take trying to love him through his fits, hateful looks, screaming in my face or yelling who knows what while we sat in time outs and time ins. I felt as though M hated me. After a doctor appointment one day he asked to “go on airplane to Uganda”. He wanted out and he made sure I knew this every single day. He learned how to push my buttons and would stare into my eyes and deliberately do what he knew he shouldn’t. Day in and day out I dealt with the same issues never seeing an end in sight. I recall feeling as though I was baby sitting but the child never went back home. How could this be my child? How could I feel these things? EVERYTHING had to be on his terms or it was a fight. You ask him if he wanted milk, he say’s “no water”, then when you get him water he throws himself in the floor because he wanted milk. Whatever I did he wanted the opposite. The word strong willed didn’t do this child justice. How could I love a child who didn’t want to love me? I was so confused.
Fake it till you make it! This was my strategy and it had failed miserably. I was losing this battle, why couldn’t I love him like my husband and family? Why could he not love me? I knew what he was going through, he felt as though he was losing control which scared him to death and he was afraid to love us. What if we left him too? But all the reasoning in the world wasn't helping me... I was ashamed... I had failed... M was my first child and I couldn't even handle one two year old... What was wrong with me... Why wasn’t God changing my heart... I counted the hours till my husband would walk through the door and I was “off duty”, he couldn’t get home soon enough. This lasted for a good two months which felt like a years!
After I was honest with myself and my husband I was able to start to work on ME. When I would feel those horrible feelings start to swell up in my heart I started to pray for God to give me patience and a never ending love for M. The kind of love he has for us. He loves us in spite of ourselves. I finally realized I had never surrendered motherhood to God. I realized that there are so many lessons God wanted to teach me through this child, but I had to surrender all of it -- all the time. I was faced with a lingering question as I would pray... How do I love a child who doesn't want to love me... In God’s grace and goodness he showed me what I had to do. The same thing our heavenly father does for his children... chasten them... Giving up all of myself to break down M’s walls... Being completely selfLESS... So my new mission started as a first time mom with God in control. M and I were doing more time-in’s and as he would scream I would hold him tight and sing softly in his ear as we rocked back and forth, sometimes both crying. I would tell him how loved he was, how important he was, and that no matter what I would never leave him. He was mine forever and I would do anything to protect him, love him, and guide him through life. Whatever God would put on my heart I would whisper into his ear in love. Through these action I was able to break down my own walls that I had put up. This was a process and at times I didn’t want to rock and sing and whisper, but it wasn’t about me. It was about what God had called me to do/be not just a caretaker but a mommy to a broken child who is a blessing from God. God doesn’t make mistakes!
He fought it initially but finally started to let his guard down over the next few weeks which brings us to now. I am ecstatic to say we are making huge strides. He no longer looks at me with hate but love and adoration. When he gets upset instead of screaming he is starting to come to me, crawl into my lap and say “M is sad, mommy sing” as he snuggles into my neck. Our good days are finally out lasting our bad ones and I can say with a full heart M is my child. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to say that and it be real, deep in my heart...But I can and every day that goes by I am falling more and more in love with my little boy who I couldn’t imagine life without. Don’t get me wrong we still have our bad days and sometimes weeks, but on those days we find ourselves on long walks while I listen to podcasts and M rides his trike. God gives us grace for each day and we must take life one day at a time. My cup runneth over as I watch us both change and grow into who God is trying to mold us into day by day. Though the road my seem long and our own weakness shows through, God will always be God and I find my strength in him. Adoption is not for the weak of heart. It is a process for all who are involved but the end goal is worth all the trails we will face. I would do our journey over and over again to be M’s mom and I will chasten him till the day my heavenly father takes me home. My ugliness must come out for God to transform it into beauty.
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
With Love- Julie
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