Perfectly Inadequate.

Lord, beckon me.

Simple words. A prayer. Uttered from the lips of a simple man. I had little knowledge that in a few short years these three words would alter a family line, bring together two continents, and provide me with the greatest honor and privilege of my lifetime. Fatherhood.

To say that my wife and I had a complicated journey to our son would be, well, true. On paper we weren't exactly the ideal candidates. We were newlyweds, child-less, and penny-less. Well not exactly but if my grandfather Simpson were still alive today he would say we were "livin hand to mouth". For you non-Southerners out there it means plainly and simply, we were broke. We later discovered, as our projected 6-8 month wait painstakingly turned into two years, that we were also very naive in our understanding of how to navigate the complex waters of international adoption. We had no prior experience with adoption, no local community support groups to advise us, and no real clue of what we were getting ourselves into. In a word, we were inadequate.

The circumstances above simply detail our situation when we began the process. A quick bullet point breakdown of our two year journey below will show you clearly that we remained yet again, inadequate. 

• Switch Countries. Twice. [wait]
• Switch Agencies. [wait]
• Lost a Referral. Got another one. [wait]
• Court Date Scheduled. [wait]
• Court Date Cancelled. [wait]
• Court Date Scheduled. [wait]
• Court Date Cancelled. [wait]
• Global Unrest (see Arab Spring) halts adoption proceedings. [wait]
• I leave my current job to pursue passion of working for a startup charity in Africa. [wait]
• I am relieved of my duties at said startup charity (boy is that a story for another day). [wait]
• Maxed out credit cards to stay afloat while searching for job in worst job market in decades. [wait]
• In a God sized miracle (quite literally) receive opportunity to go back to work at my old job. [wait]
• Court Date Scheduled, again. [wait]
• Court Date Cancelled. [wait] - if you are counting at home this is #3
• w/o a court date certain, book tickets for Uganda with last remaining dollars in our adoption fund
• Secured court date on our own [wait 6 weeks in country]
• Bring home our son [one day prior to the Thanksgiving holiday - praise God]

I'm sorry if I bore you with select details of the experience but I assure you it is with good reason. I do this to illustrate only one point. It would literally take me days to journal the intricate details of each of the trials listed above that we faced on this journey. In every situation, some more often than others, we were afraid of the future and what it might hold. We pondered together, husband and wife, how much longer must we have to wait. We fretted over where we would find the money to continue to pursue our son. When we saw other families zooming past us in the process, in a pity party of massive proportion, we asked when it would be our turn. There were bouts with anxiety and sometimes the yoke just felt so heavy that we cut off communication with friends and withdrew from our typical activities. Looking back we did a great deal of things wrong, but we did make one decision that never left us lacking. We sought God, every day! The resounding response we received when we prayed for clarity and understanding that only He can provide, was to [wait]. Wait on Him. Even in our waiting, we are inadequate to our very core.

I think all too often we rely on ourselves in times of hardship, adoption certainly qualifies. We put stock in our abilities, our problem solving, our ways of thinking. Ultimately they are inadequate to deal with the many challenges that the adoption process presents. Know this, you will be challenged. (1 Peter 4:12) Don't be surprised by the fiery ordeal when it comes, and it will, you are 'perfectly inadequate' to handle it.

In my nearly seven months being home and being a first time father to my son Malachi, I've come to one simple realization. With the love of Christ, my inadequacy is made perfect in Him. I will never be the ideal candidate. I'll never be able to provide a perfect and ideal life for my son because no such thing exists. I will [wait] on the Lord as he refines me in my perfect inadequacy. Here is to the [wait]. Hoping that through the struggles and challenges of adoption we see a clearer picture of the majestic and loving God we serve. To the mothers and fathers who beat yourself up and feel like you aren't enough, you are. Build your children up in love, embolden and teach them, and be willing to give your lives to them as Christ gave his life for us.

In perusing the 'Twitterverse' recently I stumbled upon a tweet from a local pastor quoting C.S. Lewis.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”– C.S. Lewis

On the heels of Father's Day may you never grow indifferent to the suffering of this world or the needs of the men and women who will change it. Your sons and your daughters. His grace and His mercy are enough, and so are YOU.

All my best,

Justin