Perfectly Inadequate.

Lord, beckon me.

Simple words. A prayer. Uttered from the lips of a simple man. I had little knowledge that in a few short years these three words would alter a family line, bring together two continents, and provide me with the greatest honor and privilege of my lifetime. Fatherhood.

To say that my wife and I had a complicated journey to our son would be, well, true. On paper we weren't exactly the ideal candidates. We were newlyweds, child-less, and penny-less. Well not exactly but if my grandfather Simpson were still alive today he would say we were "livin hand to mouth". For you non-Southerners out there it means plainly and simply, we were broke. We later discovered, as our projected 6-8 month wait painstakingly turned into two years, that we were also very naive in our understanding of how to navigate the complex waters of international adoption. We had no prior experience with adoption, no local community support groups to advise us, and no real clue of what we were getting ourselves into. In a word, we were inadequate.

The circumstances above simply detail our situation when we began the process. A quick bullet point breakdown of our two year journey below will show you clearly that we remained yet again, inadequate. 

• Switch Countries. Twice. [wait]
• Switch Agencies. [wait]
• Lost a Referral. Got another one. [wait]
• Court Date Scheduled. [wait]
• Court Date Cancelled. [wait]
• Court Date Scheduled. [wait]
• Court Date Cancelled. [wait]
• Global Unrest (see Arab Spring) halts adoption proceedings. [wait]
• I leave my current job to pursue passion of working for a startup charity in Africa. [wait]
• I am relieved of my duties at said startup charity (boy is that a story for another day). [wait]
• Maxed out credit cards to stay afloat while searching for job in worst job market in decades. [wait]
• In a God sized miracle (quite literally) receive opportunity to go back to work at my old job. [wait]
• Court Date Scheduled, again. [wait]
• Court Date Cancelled. [wait] - if you are counting at home this is #3
• w/o a court date certain, book tickets for Uganda with last remaining dollars in our adoption fund
• Secured court date on our own [wait 6 weeks in country]
• Bring home our son [one day prior to the Thanksgiving holiday - praise God]

I'm sorry if I bore you with select details of the experience but I assure you it is with good reason. I do this to illustrate only one point. It would literally take me days to journal the intricate details of each of the trials listed above that we faced on this journey. In every situation, some more often than others, we were afraid of the future and what it might hold. We pondered together, husband and wife, how much longer must we have to wait. We fretted over where we would find the money to continue to pursue our son. When we saw other families zooming past us in the process, in a pity party of massive proportion, we asked when it would be our turn. There were bouts with anxiety and sometimes the yoke just felt so heavy that we cut off communication with friends and withdrew from our typical activities. Looking back we did a great deal of things wrong, but we did make one decision that never left us lacking. We sought God, every day! The resounding response we received when we prayed for clarity and understanding that only He can provide, was to [wait]. Wait on Him. Even in our waiting, we are inadequate to our very core.

I think all too often we rely on ourselves in times of hardship, adoption certainly qualifies. We put stock in our abilities, our problem solving, our ways of thinking. Ultimately they are inadequate to deal with the many challenges that the adoption process presents. Know this, you will be challenged. (1 Peter 4:12) Don't be surprised by the fiery ordeal when it comes, and it will, you are 'perfectly inadequate' to handle it.

In my nearly seven months being home and being a first time father to my son Malachi, I've come to one simple realization. With the love of Christ, my inadequacy is made perfect in Him. I will never be the ideal candidate. I'll never be able to provide a perfect and ideal life for my son because no such thing exists. I will [wait] on the Lord as he refines me in my perfect inadequacy. Here is to the [wait]. Hoping that through the struggles and challenges of adoption we see a clearer picture of the majestic and loving God we serve. To the mothers and fathers who beat yourself up and feel like you aren't enough, you are. Build your children up in love, embolden and teach them, and be willing to give your lives to them as Christ gave his life for us.

In perusing the 'Twitterverse' recently I stumbled upon a tweet from a local pastor quoting C.S. Lewis.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”– C.S. Lewis

On the heels of Father's Day may you never grow indifferent to the suffering of this world or the needs of the men and women who will change it. Your sons and your daughters. His grace and His mercy are enough, and so are YOU.

All my best,

Justin

Pure Honesty-

I won’t lie, I have been putting this off for some time now. I was so excited when Chasity first approached me asking if I would consider contributing to “A Safe Place to Share”. Every time I would sit down I struggled to find the right frame of mind to pin my truth. How do you put something so delicate and personal into words? Could I do it justice? Could I convey the magnificence and splendor that adoption is all the while sharing how dark, difficult, and eye opening this journey can be? My flesh is not always strong enough to bare the burden, darkness and shame often overcome, the battle that waged in my heart often was lost. This unexpected yoke was so very heavy. I as so many adoptive parents never knew the darkness that was buried within me. How such a beautiful act could bring out the worst in me, expose me. This darkness I share is my inability to meet my own expectations. This darkness is the disappointment of not loving my son the way he so deserved to be loved. This darkness is resentment, anger, pride, and just pure lack. But praise God this darkness is beginning to break and light has started to shine through in my heart, body, soul and mind. God is able, God is faithful and God is always good. 

My husband and I adopted the most beautiful two year old boy this past fall and welcomed him into our family forever. I cannot put into words the joy and excitement that over flowed within my heart that hot November day as we heard the words “Legal Guardianship”. He was ours FINALLY and it was time to start our lives as a family of three. Our journey started long before in the winter of 2009, when God called us to adopt a child from Africa. The excitement and anticipation merged into a long road with multiple hardships along the way. Our anticipated twelve month adoption quickly became a two year process. During the wait and constant ups and downs God molded my husband and I into better human beings. Better servants. Better followers. Looking back I am so thankful for that time! I wouldn’t trade our wait for what God taught us in the waiting. Often times I wondered where God was leading us. The road seemed to grow longer and longer. Often times I thought we may never get our little boy home. I remember feeling a deep love in my heart for M from the second I laid eyes on his sweet little face. Albeit in our referral packet. This was my son! My baby boy. My long awaited child. I would read stories of mothers who came home sharing stories of a a stranger living in their home. I often thought how could anyone feel that way toward their child. Each one so beautiful and so in need of love, how could you not feel instantly connected to them? Two years later I found myself fighting those same feelings. How could this be me? How could I have these feelings after longing for our baby boy for two years? How? I soon realize in retrospect, I had false expectations of what it would be like to bring him home to be forever ours. Books, stories, blogs didn’t do it justice. To be honest we all know what it might be like but never truly think it will be like that for us. It never really sinks in until it’s your story!

I was able to hold our sweet boy in my arms a whole year before God saw fit to bring him to America. We had the opportunity to go on a mission trip in December of 2010 spending two weeks in-country. Three days of the trip we were able to spend with M at the babies home. Our first meeting was a fairy tale and those three days I felt so in love with him, couldn't wait to bring him home!  Almost a whole year later we were back in Uganda and the anticipation was building but this time it was very different. The bond I thought I had built was no longer there. We were in-country for six weeks before we boarded a plane back home. It was a very fun but challenging six weeks as we were all doing our best to simply “adjust”. I was lucky enough to have my husband with me for the entirety of the trip and this further sheltered me from what I was about to face as we returned home. Just me, my son, and my shortcomings!

We landed on November 23. The next week was a whirlwind with the holidays and family in town. Our first few weeks home I honestly don’t remember a great deal. It is still quite foggy. Trying to get accustomed to being a first time stay at home mom to a two year old and acclimating to being back on U.S. soil. M was the perfect child those first four weeks home. I should have known then that no two year old is that well behaved. HA! Month two was when my world started falling down around me. Justin was back to work and I was left alone with this stranger. That phrase I never imagined leaving my mouth. This stranger who took over every waking minute of my life. A typical two year old, add abandonment and trust issues, throw in food and language problems, I was drowning. Overwhelmed. I even questioned if I was the right one for the job. I took each day as it came but the truth was I wan’t enough. I felt like such a bad mom not feeling like M was my own child. Finding myself getting annoyed that he was always throwing tantrums every hour and I couldn't figure out what was wrong and why he was acting so ungrateful for the life we were trying to build for him. I didn’t even express to my husband what I was going through because I felt so ashamed. So lost. One day I had an all-out break down and called him in tears. It was too hard! I couldn’t do it any more! I had enough and wanted out! I waved my white flag... I no longer could handle how awful I was feeling towards M and being a mom, I hated it, maybe I was never meant to be a mom. I just wanted him to go away and let my life go back to “normal”. I felt too weak to deal with all the darkness that was in my heart.  All I was trying to do was be a good mom to a child that wasn’t mine, hard to say but that is the honest truth. I couldn't take trying to love him through his fits, hateful looks, screaming in my face or yelling who knows what while we sat in time outs and time ins. I felt as though M hated me. After a doctor appointment one day he asked to “go on airplane to Uganda”. He wanted out and he made sure I knew this every single day. He learned how to push my buttons and would stare into my eyes and deliberately do what he knew he shouldn’t. Day in and day out I dealt with the same issues never seeing an end in sight. I recall feeling as though I was baby sitting but the child never went back home. How could this be my child? How could I feel these things? EVERYTHING had to be on his terms or it was a fight. You ask him if he wanted milk, he say’s “no water”, then when you get him water he throws himself in the floor because he wanted milk. Whatever I did he wanted the opposite. The word strong willed didn’t do this child justice. How could I love a child who didn’t want to love me? I was so confused.

Fake it till you make it! This was my strategy and it had failed miserably. I was losing this battle, why couldn’t I love him like my husband and family? Why could he not love me? I knew what he was going through, he felt as though he was losing control which scared him to death and he was afraid to love us. What if we left him too? But all the reasoning in the world wasn't helping me... I was ashamed... I had failed... M was my first child and I couldn't even handle one two year old... What was wrong with me... Why wasn’t God changing my heart... I counted the hours till my husband would walk through the door and I was “off duty”, he couldn’t get home soon enough. This lasted for a good two months which felt like a years!  

After I was honest with myself and my husband I was able to start to work on ME. When I would feel those horrible feelings start to swell up in my heart I started to pray for God to give me patience and a never ending love for M. The kind of love he has for us. He loves us in spite of ourselves. I finally realized I had never surrendered motherhood to God. I realized that there are so many lessons God wanted to teach me through this child, but I had to surrender all of it -- all the time. I was faced with a lingering question as I would pray... How do I love a child who doesn't want to love me... In God’s grace and goodness he showed me what I had to do. The same thing our heavenly father does for his children... chasten them... Giving up all of myself to break down M’s walls... Being completely selfLESS... So my new mission started as a first time mom with God in control. M and I were doing more time-in’s and as he would scream I would hold him tight and sing softly in his ear as we rocked back and forth, sometimes both crying. I would tell him how loved he was, how important he was, and that no matter what I would never leave him. He was mine forever and I would do anything to protect him, love him, and guide him through life. Whatever God would put on my heart I would whisper into his ear in love. Through these action I was able to break down my own walls that I had put up. This was a process and at times I didn’t want to rock and sing and whisper, but it wasn’t about me. It was about what God had called me to do/be not just a caretaker but a mommy to a broken child who is a blessing from God. God doesn’t make mistakes!

He fought it initially but finally started to let his guard down over the next few weeks which brings us to now. I am ecstatic to say we are making huge strides. He no longer looks at me with hate but love and adoration. When he gets upset instead of screaming he is starting to come to me, crawl into my lap and say “M is sad, mommy sing” as he snuggles into my neck. Our good days are finally out lasting our bad ones and I can say with a full heart M is my child. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to say that and it be real, deep in my heart...But I can and every day that goes by I am falling more and more in love with my little boy who I couldn’t imagine life without. Don’t get me wrong we still have our bad days and sometimes weeks, but on those days we find ourselves on long walks while I listen to podcasts and M rides his trike. God gives us grace for each day and we must take life one day at a time. My cup runneth over as I watch us both change and grow into who God is trying to mold us into day by day. Though the road my seem long and our own weakness shows through, God will always be God and I find my strength in him. Adoption is not for the weak of heart. It is a process for all who are involved but the end goal is worth all the trails we will face. I would do our journey over and over again to be M’s mom and I will chasten him till the day my heavenly father takes me home. My ugliness must come out for God to transform it into beauty. 

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

With Love- Julie

So Many Layers

August 9, 2011

This is the view from Malachi's "yard", the hut where he plays with his friends to escape the hot African sun. How fun is that? I wish I had one of these in my backyard; the view isn't so bad either. :)

Before we began the adoption process we assumed it would be hard with the very real possibility that it would be longer than anticipated. This winter will be two years since Justin and I heard the call. The clear and obvious call to adopt, and began taking our first steps toward the end goal of bringing home a beautiful baby boy. We did our best to prepare emotionally and spiritually for the long wait if it came to pass -- let downs, rough patches, and the unpredictability that we had heard so much about and been warned about from the beginning. I think deep down in your heart you are aware that these 'truths' of the adoption process shared by others could in fact happen but you assume your situation would never come to that, and thru the power of God sometimes it can be easy sailing. Sometimes not. With that said Justin and I have experience a longer wait than anticipated. One step forward. Half step back. Repeat. Time drags on and days turn into weeks that often turn into months. Never knowing the future or outcome of our adoption (you hear so many sad stories about the hardships of other families) still one thing for Justin and I has never changed... The God we serve! Our hope and salvation in times of need and uncertainty. What He calls us to do He is faithful to complete in His time and in His unique and special way.

As you may know we had planned on going to Uganda this summer to visit with Malachi. We were believing and hoping for a court date so we didn't have to come home again without him. God had a different plan and he started to reveal it a week before we had planned on leaving, so through prayer and by His guiding hand we made the choice to wait... I feel like that word has a totally different meaning in our family now... Wait to us means God's perfect timing! With the adoption process you want every step and every decision to be in accordance with God's perfect timing. He is the only one who understands fully the complexity of our situation and sees it beginning to end.  How can we doubt a God who has our best interest at heart even more than we have our own? Wait to us is God's hand moving beyond what we can see or understand. God is weaving our lives together with this little man half way across the world and it takes time, not for God but for us... Every hardship is meant to mold us, transform us - he must cut our hearts open to repair us, to make us more like Him and less like the sinful ungrateful selfish people we are. Every cut is precise and he wont stop until we are fully anew. Two years ago this winter we took that leap of faith and one year ago this winter we held our son for the first time. Our hope is that this winter he will be wrapped up in our arms, filled with love and hope for a better future and at home with his forever family!

We must give thanks whether our arms are full or empty. God created us to give thanks always and glorify him in everything! That one word - everything - is what he has been drilling into our hearts over this past year. We have had so many ups and downs with the adoption and in our personal life. The devil has been fighting us hard but our God and our faith in Him is bigger! What the devil means to harm us God can use to make us stronger, its our choice. We choose God. Were we called? Called to adopt to give Malachi a better life? Or were we called to adopt so God could transform us into more beautiful creatures... I think a little of both but more the latter... We could have never grown as we have without this process. It has been a monumental time in both our Christian lives.

Okay now more good news!! We have a court date on October 18, 9 weeks until we leave for Uganda to finish our process. God willing we won't hit any more hurdles.  I wont lie there have been days where I felt like this would never happen. Times when I thought we may never be able to bring him home for good. Now that it is almost here it doesn't seem real. I guess i'm still in shock! HA! We are planning on flying out October 9th or 10th and if everything goes smooth it should take about 3-4 weeks to wrap everything up and jump on a plane home. Just in time for Thanksgiving and what an amazing Thanksgiving it will be, a family of 3. :) I'm sure I will be an emotional basket case for the first few weeks (due to excessive happiness) and I may just want to hold him, kiss him, squeeze him, watch him sleep, not let him out of my sight for awhile until it really sinks in that he is ours forever!!! So you have been warned. I may just be teary eyed for a few weeks upon return but know it is due to the overwhelming joy and love I have in my heart that God chose us to be this little guys parents. I cant wait to watch him grow and change, laugh with him in the good times, hold him in the hard times and teach him all about our Savior and the life he has planned for him long before he was born. It's going to be an amazing journey of good times and hard times but I will give thanksgiving  through it all because it is our journey and a gift from God to be lived to the fullest!

We still need LOTS of prayer!!!!! We are so close and if this last leg is going to be anything like our process thus far we might have to fight just a little bit longer. Pray for our faith and strength in God not to waver no matter what the devil throws at us. Pray for our judge to have love in his/her heart for us and Malachi our day in court. Pray for traveling safety  to Uganda and while we are in country. Pray that Malachi continues to stay healthy and that he transitions well. God tells us to pray specific prayers, so pray that we can even get a ruling the day of our court date and don't have to wait for a week or two or three. The faster we get our ruling the faster we get to come home.

PS: Just another God moment in this process to share and I hope it makes you smile ear to ear as it did us! July 5, 2008 Justin and I got engaged in upstate NY on my yearly summer trip that I have gone on since we moved to NC when I was 10. This is the most special place on earth to me, it's where i grew up as a little girl and I have so many fond memories. He couldn't have picked a more special and significant place to propose. :)  Guess what? July 5, 2011 in upstate NY on our yearly summer trip my phone rings and it's our case worker with good news of a court date... You tell me that God doesn't care about the details. :) Same day, 3 years apart, two monumental occurrences in my life happen at the most special place on earth to me. That was a big hug from God and a nudge to keep going, to remind us we are on the right path!!! We are so close now. Keep praying and believing with us that we will have a little boy in our arms this coming Thanksgiving to welcome home forever! Thank you for coming alongside us in this journey for Malachi.  We cant wait for you to meet him, watch him grow and see what amazing plans God has for his life. - Julie

Uganda Bound

Malachi's baby home (top left)

May 28, 2011

Do you see the little white building on the left in the picture above? This is where our sweet little boy Malachi has lived since last August. Isn't it beautiful... The country side in UG is just amazing.  This picture makes me so excited to get back to UG and our baby boy. We are so blessed that Malachi was placed in such a wonderful home, I would say he is in one of the best homes in UG. Most homes are not as nice as this one. He has "mammas" that love him as their own, a toy room full of toys, clothes to wear, a bed to sleep in, and food to fill his belly. Despite not having a birth family Malachi is one lucky boy. He is healthy and happy, we are so thankful for God's provision over his life thus far. We have been receiving updates over the last few months from American mommies visiting their babies and we are ecstatic to share with you that our little man is no longer a shy boy but a happy, outgoing boy! In the words of one couple "We see him being the class clown when he gets into school". (he will be just like his daddy then) God is good!!

As you read in the title we are Uganda bound, one week from tomorrow night we will be on a plane headed on another journey to Africa.  The flights are grueling I wont lie, the fastest flight with stops included is around 28-30 hours and you are in the air for 18 or so of those. But the payoff is always worth it! :) We will have a 12 hour layover in London, which we are actually really excited about. We plan on touring London for the day and enjoying our layover. This will not be my first time to London but it will be for Justin so i'm sure we will have lots of pictures and stories to tell. I have decided to use this blog due to our posts needing to remain private because it is much easier for all of you to put a password in to read our posts unlike our other blog. Okay... on to details about our trip and much needed prayer requests.

We will be in country for approximately two weeks, unless there is unexpected news or changes, and here is an amazing word... BUT we are believing and praying that God will not bring us home as a family of two but three. You see, our file is sitting on the desk of a judge who is not in office right now and guess what?... He will return to his post at the beginning of June. So we are praying and believing for big things!! We are asking God for a court date while we are there so we don't have to come home without our son.  This is the verse God showed me the other day during my time of devotion and is what we are praying and believing he will bring to pass.  Matthew 21: 21-22 "Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

God's timing is perfect. God's love is everlasting. God's strength is enough. God has truly turned our adoption into a journey and we have learned so much. November 2009, when God spoke to us and said now is the time to adopt we had no idea how much he had in store for us. Our time line and personal plan was so far from what God had planned. First it was the Democratic Republic of Congo, 6-8 months start to finish... He said no... Then it was Ghana and the possibility of a year wait... He said no. He said Uganda will be where your son is from and you will be asked to grow personally and spiritually in a way you never imagined you could. :) You see, our "timeline" was nothing like that which God had planned and we wouldn't change that fact for anything, but it has been hard! He has put our faith to the fire and refined us in  ways that leaves us with no other option but to trust in him fully, for ALL things. God has used a sweet little two year old boy half way around the world to grow us individually and as a couple. We thought we were changing his life (and we are) but he has changed ours so much more!! These past 18 months have been a roller coster of emotions, but God has been holding our hand the whole time. Adoption is truly a journey with the Lord, helping us to become closer to our heavenly father...

Courts close July 15th for the summer in UG, which means if we don't get a court date before then we will be waiting till the fall to bring Malachi home. Please pray with us for God to show his amazing power and bring him home before that. We will be in country June 7 and if no news comes, will head home sometime between the 16th-19th.

We have been waiting for a court date since the day our file was submitted in February. This is what we call "adoption labor" in the Simpson household. :)  Please Pray. Believe. Expect.... amazing things with us for the month of June!

With love,

Julie

First Family Picture

We are not allowed to show M's face for privacy reasons until we have full guardianship, but wanted to share our first family photo from our December trip to Uganda.  

A quick update and then Justin will write more tonight. We are still waiting on a MoG certificate (its already been quite a few weeks) and without this document we can not file for our court date... God is definitely teaching us patience and trusting in him for HIS perfect timing, but its getting hard! Please keep us in your prayers that the certificate will come through really soon, so we can bring our baby boy home. God says to pray specifically so I'd like him home by Easter. :) 

Enjoy the picture and I will tell you he has the most kissable cheeks and big beautiful eyes!

- Julie